On a related note to my previous post I want to talk about a sensitive subject for me here in the Philippines, and maybe solicit some thoughts on this. I wanted to write about it in my last post, but there just wasn’t enough space (I write long enough already, right!?). So the topic for today is American (or white, born in developed countries) men who travel to the Philippines to marry a Filipina. Here in Mindanao if you do see another white person, it is almost always an older white man, anywhere from his 30s-60s, with a Filipina.
I’m just going to own my prejudice here and say I really don’t like it. Having worked with trafficking and domestic violence victims – about half from Southeast Asian countries, I’m extremely uncomfortable with this. I have seen the absolute worst of what can happen in these situations and I worry so much for these women. A few days ago when Chernor and I went out dancing there was this older, slightly overweight, unattractive (by American standards) white man with two young, scantily clad Filipinas grinding on him as he just stood there, drinking his beer, and looking around. I just kind of gave him this look like, “seriously?” I’m really trying not to judge but it is proving quite difficult for me.
On the other hand, I want to support interracial dating – as a few of my friends have been joking for a while now, it could be a good peacebuilding tool! Seriously though, people do just have different preferences for the looks and personalities of their partners. I’ve also done a lot of research on mail-order brides, particularly from the Philippines. Many of these women are educated, self-sufficient and they think they will get more respect and opportunities from a Western, progressive man. They can end up in completely fine and happy partnered relationships. I have friends here who have dated white men, and that doesn’t bother me really at all; I know them, I know they respect themselves, and I hope they wouldn’t let a man disrespect or hurt them.
In the middle are issues regarding feminists from developed countries versus feminists from developing countries. There is a large shift in thinking right now going on within feminism – feminist from developing countries are telling feminists from developed countries, “You don’t know our situation at all, this is not your lived experience, please stop speaking for us!” Who am I to make any judgment at all about any of these Filipinas? I have no idea of their experience. I want to understand that for women here marriage with a man who can provide for you and secure your future is seriously important. That the kind of men who marry abroad won’t only take you home to force you into domestic servitude or pimp you out. I want to understand that there is love too among white men and Filipinas and its not all about money for everyone. And perhaps even if there are financial concerns involved, that that doesn’t take away from the romantic aspect. Or maybe that the romantic aspect isn’t a crucial element of the conception of marriage here. Or maybe it just all depends on the individual.
But I really can’t.
I really don’t understand. In the U.S., as a privileged woman, I can basically do whatever I want in life and be completely financially secure without a man. I can also choose who I want to love and how, free of almost any hindrances. I don't understand, but I want to. I’m glad this shift in thinking is happening within feminism, it is much needed and I think there is much truth to the words of the feminists from developing countries. My hope is that us Western feminists listen up and take notes, and that, slowly, an equal partnership emerges among feminists around the globe – our ideas converge (although we don’t always have to agree), and we learn to support and stand in solidarity with each other, in whatever form that takes.
Here in South Korea, I see the same thing - quite literally often. I live near one of the USAF bases, and the area right around the base has been built up to a sort of "little America" - including a pretty standard American bar scene. The biggest difference, though, with these bars is the staggering number of Filippina women working in them. They're known as "Juicy Girls" here, probably dating back to the '50s, and many of them are here in South Korea, working in bars near US military installations with the sole purpose of enticing an American GI for a night or maybe more. It's essentially prostitution, and from what I've heard from these women, the working conditions are deplorable. Often, they will be given only two days off per month, and live in cramped housing provided to them by their employers with three or four other women.
ReplyDeleteIt's so uncomfortable to go to these bars, but it's even worse to see all the guys completely feeding into it - buying the women drinks, knowing that once they get to a certain amount, the women will go home with them for the evening. It's appalling, but from what I gather, these women aren't forced into this situation, so it's hard for me to see how it could stop.
I could go on, but I'm sure you don't need a giant essay in your comments...
The idea of those relationships bothers me, too, mostly because of my fear for the women as potential victims (thinking they're getting into a relationship with a progressive man when in fact some of those looking for partners abroad are regressive perpetrators of violence in many forms).
ReplyDeleteHowever, I also dislike them because of a lot of the things you mentioned in your previous post about ideas of beauty being culturally formed. The Filipinas can't fully understand that the cultures these men are from declare them, as Asian women, exotic, mysterious, and appealing.
On the other hand, do they have to understand? I suppose there's nothing wrong with being seen that way, IF the men also recognize the beauty of their spirits, intellect, etc.
I guess that's the heart of my second worry. That a man who would seek out someone abroad merely for that person's appearance/ethnic background will not respect that romantic partner as an individual. Interracial dating is great, but I think those relationships should be based on everything but (or at least much more than) the fact that they're interracial.
Touche, though, about needing to hear the feminists there. It's hard to not draw lines and use boxes out of fear and worry for others. But if they're okay with having a relationship that might start just because it's interracial in the hope of a secure future, I have to respect that. And I can certainly believe that many of them grow to much more (and that many start with more than one reason, even if the interraciality is an impetus).
I can respect it, but I still don't like it.