Halfway There

As some of you know, I had an incredibly hard time adjusting to life at Notre Dame last year. Having found a place where I finally felt I fit in in Minnesota I resisted the move to Indiana with so much of my being. Every day on campus I felt oceans away from everyone I loved and the community I belonged to. Every day I wasn't near the lakes or the city I reminded myself "I purposely decided against Notre Dame in undergrad because of its location, how did I end up here?" And I struggled to understand how I was going to take this education and turn it into a career when, for the first time in my life, I was at a total loss as to what I wanted to do next.

I realized at the end of my first year of graduate school what I had done. I had squandered the precious time I had with amazing classmates, a healthy stress level, and a beautiful city in its own right by my negative attitude. Most of all, I let my emotions take over the opportunity I had before me to attend the prestigious Institute I had been dying to attend since my Junior year of undergrad, the one whose acceptance letter brought me so much joy that I couldn't help but tear up.

When it came to leave for the Philippines I knew of course it would be hard to tear myself away once again from the man, city, and friends I love. But I was determined to have a better attitude this time around. I had been waiting for this field experience for years now, it was my chance to make up for not studying abroad in undergrad and to put my peace education into practice. It was my chance to learn who I am as a peacebuilder. I was not going to let this experience go to waste.

So, now that I am more than halfway through, how has it been going? It hasn't been perfect, I've struggled a bit with finding my place here, figuring out what I am doing at work, or with my research. I've struggled just figuring my way around the city! But I have gained some insight as to my place in this field of peacebuilding. Generally, I am attracted to peacebuilding that marries local, grassroots, relationship building with advocacy and nonviolent activism. Besides this, however, I haven't had a very clear idea of where I was going with this whole peace passion of mine. How do I translate my conviction into practice and employment? Moreover, upon arriving at Notre Dame I let my fire for peace be quenched even more. I was overwhelmed by the international diversity of my group. What did I, a privileged white American, have to say to people who have lived through and been victimized by conflict in their own countries?

I eventually came to the understanding that all people have experiences of war and conflict. My experience of war is characterized by close relationships with multiple military people and my involvement in peace activism. Other people's experience of war may be watching the news for 5 minutes and then flipping the channel to TMZ. All these experiences are necessary to understand, or us peacebuilders will never be able to engage all different types of people in promoting conflict transformation.

While I had these opinions, as well as others, to express, I spent the whole year keeping it bottled inside. I let my privilege trap me. I still felt that as an American I had nothing to say -- my country had said more than enough. I came to the conclusion by the end of the year that outsiders really couldn't contribute much to peacebuilding; who am I to tell an Iraqi or Mexican how to solve conflict in their country, particularly when my country contributed to it!

Being in the Philippines, however, has both changed my mind and empowered me to take back my voice again. First, I have seen how those involved in a conflict can become so stuck in it that they need an outsider to offer a new idea or insight. On the other hand, an outsider can never attain the sort of understanding of the conflict, culture, and country that an insider has. Therefore outsiders have to learn to walk the delicate line between respecting a culture not their own while challenging it to try something different. Either way, both insiders and outsiders are needed at the peacebuilding table to ensure the peace process is benefiting from a wide array of opinions and options.

Second, I've had moments here where I have realized, "you can say something!" I am so shy to speak sometimes in large groups and I over-analyze what I will say, wondering whether it is relevant or eloquent. But lately I've been realizing -- stop worrying, just say it! Part of this has come from the fact that many Filipinos have expressed their frustration with American policy with me. I have to say something in these instances. I try to express with sincerity my understanding and apologies to these people. I've realized that while here in the Philippines I may do some research or help with awareness events or peacebuilding trainings, but my greatest role as a peacebuilder in these six months is to impress upon the wounded people of Mindanao that an American listened, apologized, and stood in solidarity with them.

So, all that being said, I still am not exactly sure what direction I might take career wise, but at least I have gotten a bit further with some self-revelation!

I've also learned something else quite important from my time in the Philippines -- I've learned to chill out. Life in the Philippines is slow, playful, and light-hearted. For an East Coast-raised American, this is both a wonderful change of pace and a challenge. I don't think my stress level has ever been this low since I was a teenager. I've started to not plan every second of my day and...gasp...I am even late to meetings some times (I still end up being early Filipino-time though)! On the other hand, I do still get frustrated by how slowly some of my work moves forward. But I am continually challenging myself to find the balance, between slowly, but thoroughly and cooperatively, moving work forward, while also advocating for things that just need to get done.

The next two months and two weeks are going to fly by. I have an upcoming trip to Boracay for R&R with my workplace, continued research for myself, for my internship, and with another organization I've started working with on the side, David comes in three weeks and we are off to visit Manila for one, then the Mindanao Week of Peace is upon us, and then I have two weeks to wrap everything up and head home. The speed at which I see my weeks flipping by on the calendar is overwhelming. But my advisor recently reminded me of advice he gave me before I left, "you will probably understand what you should be doing for your field experience when you are about to leave, this is normal." This is reassuring, my time in the field is really meant just to give me a smattering of experiences. And I can't deny that I am being exposed to a deeply rich smattering of experiences.